Grieving your marriage, losing your children, yet knowing that you are truly never going back to that man

Do you find yourself grieving your marriage, and asking yourself, “WHY didn’t I divorce him years ago when we were already separated, and the kids were little, and I was financially stable? WHY WHY!”. Stop torturing yourself, because this time, you were ready. That’s why.  Because you had to hit rock bottom and realize that even if you divorce the Rabbi, your parents, the neighbors, and lose your house, your pants… everything, I will still leave this man! And once you hit that all time low, you are them able to do it.

And I lost my kids too in the process. Although the custody decision is not final, it’s still lost to me. And I am ****STILL**** not going back to him. Because that’s how far he went to pull me back in. This time though, I’m for real.

Abuse has been recognized as a cycle by the experts on the subject. We can only break free of that cycle if we stop reacting. The abuser will never stop. But walking away is very difficult. Some men threaten to kill themselves if you leave them. Some men threaten to kill you, or your children if you leave him… and some simply kill after separation. See my post on post-separation violence.

And then there are always those who swear they will make your life a living hell, forcing you to come crawling back to Papa. Sorry, dear, I have stopped reacting. You have rendered me homeless, childless, penniless, yet, I still have my spirit. I still have my will to live.

The world stands before me, beautiful life with its infinite possibilities. I’m not crumbling just yet.  I have so many more amazing years left to live. I guess he wants to diaper them babies. What am I going to do, fight?  That’s reacting, again. And again. DO NOT REACT. Go out there. Build a beautiful you, a beautiful life, for your children to return to you. They will come crawling back, you know that. But they first have to go through the same cycle that you went through. They too, have to learn to divorce their father, their neighbors, their teachers… they too have to learn that there is one safe place, and one safe place only.

It is your job, Mommy, to build that safe haven for them. And by going to court and fighting tooth and nail, calling police and CPS when he is hurting them… you will hurt them even more.  Now go build that safe haven for them!

You do need to be careful about children who turn into little abusers too. They come running when they want you to buy them their trousau, or to be added to the will when you are on your deathbed. Suddenly, they make an appearance by your cancer treatments. Of course, a mother’s heart will always want her offspring right near her. But by then, you will be so healthy emotionally, you will know how to react. Now go get strong, this is your obligation to your children.  By giving up (in his eyes), you are giving back (to your children).

Let me know how it goes, I want your feedback.

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1 Response to Grieving your marriage, losing your children, yet knowing that you are truly never going back to that man

  1. Karma Maya Rohmer says:

    While crying, I’m truly at my wits end and all I have done or really havn’t done to look 30 at age 41 is beyond me. Ive been a non-custodial mother for all of my 6yr old life an 6 of my 9yr old mildly autistic life. All 3 of us are so confused and misunderstood, but whats amazing is that I have become more confident with myself and I look the best I have ever ever looked….

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